WHO TF DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

I'm just gonna come out and say it. I got BAD abandonment and validation issues. Seriously, a random nigga in my life doesn't text me back in a timely manner and I'm about to drive to his house and cry on his door step begging for his love (no homo, or maybe just a TAD bit of homo... I guess it depends what he looks like. You know there's some dudes out there that just... wait never mind this is getting way too gay). This stuff is EMOTIONALLY AGONIZING... One side of me can reflect rationally and intellectualize the problem: Daddy was a douche and during the most critical years of my development instead of giving me love and affirmation he stole my lunch money for crack and put me in a hospital with my lips bashed in. So now there's this giant emotional void there in my soul, yadda, yadda, yadda. I get it.  And I even know how to begin healing those wounds... But fuck if it isn't still painful as shit. I feel like I'm walking through life alive and animated, but my soul is low-key on a stretcher attached to an IV full of the donkey from Winnie the Pooh's piss. 

So here I am, 32, and relatively established by "the worlds standards" whatever the hell that means, but deep down I live with the fact that the one person who was supposed to love me and build me up as a man told me I was nothing with his fists and his repeated absence. Not worth fighting for, only worth being jealous of and taking from. The depth of the scars that stuff leaves is hard to express in words.  I'm left trying to figure out how to be a man by myself, and NOW, every relationship I ever have is amplified in it's intensity, because anyone in my life could be a secret surrogate for daddy with the subtext of the relationship being me walking on eggshells and praying they don't leave me for some reason. And to make matters worse, I have a big ass heart, so I love hard, and fast, and am very transparent. I'm what you call "Ripe for the Emotional Anus Pounding" (no homo again, I know this is becoming an on-going theme in this entry but look, it was an appropriate metaphor for the situation, so don't read to much into it!... I do like men though). This world is especially cruel for people like me. 

All I want to know is WHO AM I? Fathers are supposed to give us our identity. Mine never gave me one. So who the hell AM I? Anyone? I'll wait....  

...no?

Tell me about it.  So let me ask you. Who do YOU think YOU are? What do you think about yourself? Did you have a messed up father or mother or influential person in your upbringing telling you some really fucked up things bout yourself through their words or actions that you probably now still believe a little somewhere deep down?  Well guess what, FUCK THAT SHIT!  I used to try and rationalize it away, make up excuses for my dad's actions, and figured that "someday I'd be old enough to understand." Well bitch, I'm 32 now, so when he was my age I was already 14, and he was 3 years way from punching my face in because I wouldn't let him drive my truck. This nigga wasn't "troubled" or "institutionalized," he was just a fucking dirtball of a person making the same mistakes over and over again, entertaining his pride and ego, and clamoring for control wherever he could. Oh, and not to mention casually leaving a wake of physical and emotional destruction behind him whenever he ran out of our lives and majestically swan-dived through the roof of a crack house again. 

I know this sounds dramatic, but I'm telling you all this to give you some perspective. Seriously if a scumbag scam artist crackhead on the street called you names, or told you you were nothing, or not worth it, or said you wouldn't amount to anything, would you REALLY take them seriously? Or how about if a punk little kid who runs around the neighborhood ding-dong-ditching people and pooping on porches flips you off, are you gonna really go home and cry about it? Will that chubby little booger-encrusted middle finger sink in DEEP and traumatize you for decades? OF COURSE NOT... So consider the source when you're thinking about those fuckers in your past who gave you your identity. Look at THEIR lives. Why are they special just because they happened to be biologically responsible for you?  Now that you're older you are just a person just like them, and you can assess them objectively.  They were sad, stupid, dirtballs of people... And I don't even need to know them to know that, because anyone who told you you were ANYTHING but an amazing child of God with a beautiful heart and a purpose in this life IS a sad, stupid, dirtball of a person by definition.  

So let all that shit go. You are an amazing child of God, with a beautiful heart, and you have a PURPOSE in this life.
I SAID SO. THAT'S your new identity.  Fuck the rest.  Believe THAT from now on. 

-J 

10 comments

  • Jonathan Allie
    Jonathan Allie Minneapolis Minnesota
    Man, that's some really emotional shit right there. I have those same feelings a lot, and sometimes it hard for me to weed out all the negative energy in my life and try instead turning it into a positive. I don't know if I will ever truly know who I am. But it feels better to know I'm not the only one who feels some way about it Thanks J hope to read more

    Man, that's some really emotional shit right there. I have those same feelings a lot, and sometimes it hard for me to weed out all the negative energy in my life and try instead turning it into a positive. I don't know if I will ever truly know who I am. But it feels better to know I'm not the only one who feels some way about it
    Thanks J hope to read more

  • Kye
    Kye
    My entire family knows that I didn't have "parents" and I wasn't "raised" I just kind of grew up with friends. My mom and dad were both really bad on meth and my dad just got out of prison for it, and they'll even admit that they weren't really parents. They were kids when they had me and, up until about 12 years ago when my little brother was born, they were still trying to be kids while attempting what they saw as "raising" me. My dad would always laugh at me any time I cried, he would even get it on video some times and make fun of me for it later. He never really hit me, when he tried spanking me and my god-brother we laughed at him so he started tasing us and shooting thumb tacks and roofing nails through a pvc tube at us. Focusing on the bad makes it seem worse than it was, I don't think I had that rough of a childhood really, and I would like to consider myself pretty successful and happy despite what bad stuff has happened to me. I have so much love and respect for you, J, I would love to meet you someday but shirt term; I want to see you start vlogging!

    My entire family knows that I didn't have "parents" and I wasn't "raised" I just kind of grew up with friends. My mom and dad were both really bad on meth and my dad just got out of prison for it, and they'll even admit that they weren't really parents. They were kids when they had me and, up until about 12 years ago when my little brother was born, they were still trying to be kids while attempting what they saw as "raising" me. My dad would always laugh at me any time I cried, he would even get it on video some times and make fun of me for it later. He never really hit me, when he tried spanking me and my god-brother we laughed at him so he started tasing us and shooting thumb tacks and roofing nails through a pvc tube at us. Focusing on the bad makes it seem worse than it was, I don't think I had that rough of a childhood really, and I would like to consider myself pretty successful and happy despite what bad stuff has happened to me. I have so much love and respect for you, J, I would love to meet you someday but shirt term; I want to see you start vlogging!

  • Sean
    Sean Boston
    Ahhh a member of the infamous REAP huh? Great open and honest piece. I find forgiving someone is the best way to go. Easier said than done but it's not so much for them as it is for myself. Look forward to reading more, keep up the good work! P/S Don't be gay dude. Show me your dick though....=)

    Ahhh a member of the infamous REAP huh?

    Great open and honest piece. I find forgiving someone is the best way to go. Easier said than done but it's not so much for them as it is for myself. Look forward to reading more, keep up the good work!

    P/S
    Don't be gay dude. Show me your dick though....=)

  • Taylor
    Taylor Australia
    This is an amazing read! You are strong AF! Thank you for sharing your life and story with us ❤

    This is an amazing read! You are strong AF! Thank you for sharing your life and story with us ❤

  • Miss Chels
    Miss Chels Vancouver, BC
    I never expected to relate to you on this level. The emotional intensity can be exhausting but it makes us passionate and creative- just look at all the beautiful art you've made! Thank you for confiding in your fans like this. Remember that through struggle there is strength, so the more you've struggled, the stronger you are as a result. Clearly you have endured a lot of immensely traumatic stuff so you are basically a champion, but I don't have to tell you that. What I wanted to say, and I think I am basically just rewording your main point here is: Whatever has happened between you and your father, it's going to be ok. Whatever was done, whatever was said, it's going to be ok. It is not your responsibility to 'make things right' with him. And he certainly deserves none of our good, as much as he has scarred your life and haunts you in ways that sometimes might make you wish 'if only'. We can find closure in our hearts on our own terms. As much as it hurts, we don't need our fathers acceptance or approval. Whatever made him decide it was ok to hurt you how he did, was not your fault. And you have the right to throw him away from you. Don't accept his pain and mistake as your own because it isn't a reflection of you or anything you did. It is not yours. Don't accept it as your own. Give it back to him, because it doesn't belong to you. Every time you feel that shit coming on, bat it the fuck away like I do bouquets at weddings. Just take a deep breath and say, "Get behind me, Satan!" Haha sounds silly but there is no room for demons on your path. You just keep on being amazing you and fighting the good fight like the undefeatable radical warrior you are. May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding guard your heart and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus. You are a blessing to all of us. Hugging you! ?

    I never expected to relate to you on this level. The emotional intensity can be exhausting but it makes us passionate and creative- just look at all the beautiful art you've made! Thank you for confiding in your fans like this. Remember that through struggle there is strength, so the more you've struggled, the stronger you are as a result. Clearly you have endured a lot of immensely traumatic stuff so you are basically a champion, but I don't have to tell you that. What I wanted to say, and I think I am basically just rewording your main point here is: Whatever has happened between you and your father, it's going to be ok. Whatever was done, whatever was said, it's going to be ok. It is not your responsibility to 'make things right' with him. And he certainly deserves none of our good, as much as he has scarred your life and haunts you in ways that sometimes might make you wish 'if only'. We can find closure in our hearts on our own terms. As much as it hurts, we don't need our fathers acceptance or approval. Whatever made him decide it was ok to hurt you how he did, was not your fault. And you have the right to throw him away from you. Don't accept his pain and mistake as your own because it isn't a reflection of you or anything you did. It is not yours. Don't accept it as your own. Give it back to him, because it doesn't belong to you. Every time you feel that shit coming on, bat it the fuck away like I do bouquets at weddings. Just take a deep breath and say, "Get behind me, Satan!" Haha sounds silly but there is no room for demons on your path. You just keep on being amazing you and fighting the good fight like the undefeatable radical warrior you are. May the peace of God that surpasses all understanding guard your heart and your mental powers by means of Christ Jesus. You are a blessing to all of us. Hugging you! ?

  • Chris Hyatt
    Chris Hyatt Herrin illinois
    I love when artists care enough about their fans to actually let the fans get a grip of their personal life. Jokerr your music is the shit. Im hoping you will release some new music before august 21 because thats when i get shipped off to basic training. And i cant wait for your collaboration cd with lo key. Your doing great. I could go without some of the juggalo disses though. Aside from that your musics the shit man

    I love when artists care enough about their fans to actually let the fans get a grip of their personal life. Jokerr your music is the shit. Im hoping you will release some new music before august 21 because thats when i get shipped off to basic training. And i cant wait for your collaboration cd with lo key. Your doing great. I could go without some of the juggalo disses though. Aside from that your musics the shit man

  • Rachel
    Rachel Nevada
    Thank you! :)

    Thank you! smile

  • Truth be told
    Truth be told
    There was something she hid from him that was more than you could ever imagine Wait for the wonderful day when he finds his balls and he finally grabs them Over and over she sent her nudes around and around when will he ever see past it Nah, he won't ever see past it, he is nothing more than just an arrogant bastard

    There was something she hid from him that was more than you could ever imagine
    Wait for the wonderful day when he finds his balls and he finally grabs them
    Over and over she sent her nudes around and around when will he ever see past it
    Nah, he won't ever see past it, he is nothing more than just an arrogant bastard

  • Thomas Laskey Jr
    Thomas Laskey Jr Buffalo,NY
    I had a dad that was bad not as close to evil as us homie. But mine always told me I wasn't shit and never would be a shit. He always knocked me down beat me when things where not right with the house and my brothers and sisters. As I was taken outta school at a young age just to watch them and take care of the house. And was beaten when things was not right to his standards.. so I know the pain and the voices you hear when things go wrong in life.. it is a hard battle to fight in ur head and soul..I just keep pushing and bury myself in music I have a lot of stuff wrighten down in note books.. I wish I was and artist to put them to good use. But one I put in a poem and when I did it I was in tears.. but everyone that has read it loves it but it hurts even when I read it still and it has been 10 years age I wroght it.. well u probably won't really read this but if u do.. thanks for all ur music it does help in hard times.. and I am 45 years old and still have the pain.. u got my email u ever Wana chat homie.. ur fan for life...

    I had a dad that was bad not as close to evil as us homie. But mine always told me I wasn't shit and never would be a shit. He always knocked me down beat me when things where not right with the house and my brothers and sisters. As I was taken outta school at a young age just to watch them and take care of the house. And was beaten when things was not right to his standards.. so I know the pain and the voices you hear when things go wrong in life.. it is a hard battle to fight in ur head and soul..I just keep pushing and bury myself in music I have a lot of stuff wrighten down in note books.. I wish I was and artist to put them to good use. But one I put in a poem and when I did it I was in tears.. but everyone that has read it loves it but it hurts even when I read it still and it has been 10 years age I wroght it.. well u probably won't really read this but if u do.. thanks for all ur music it does help in hard times.. and I am 45 years old and still have the pain.. u got my email u ever Wana chat homie.. ur fan for life...

  • AJ
    AJ Arkansas
    I had a dad, not biologically but he was a dad. The man was fucked up and had more problems than anyone could guess but he taught me a lot about life. I built upon that to become the man I am today, and shortly after he died of cancer, my biological father was dying from decades of heavy drinking. I was out busting my ass working two jobs putting myself through college and trying to support my disabled mother. She went to visit our hometown (lost everything to Hurricane Katrina) and gave me a call to let me know he was on his deathbed. He was calling out for me, wanted to see me to rectify his issues before he died. I told her tell him what you want to, as long as it makes you happy, but the truth of the matter is he wasn't around for me and I sure as fuck ain't gonna put my bullshit aside for him to pass peacefully. I hung up and went back to work. It may be evil but I get a chuckle knowing I was able to pay him back in kind. The pain can last a lifetime but that's because it's part of us. It contributed to who we are. It reminds us of how we should treat others and how delicate the human psyche is. Dare I say that if it weren't for abandonment, or the mistreatment by the replacement then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would rather die than become the one that hurts people out of ignorance or apathy. The problem with me is: I can't let it go. It's part of me and as much as I hate it, it made me strong. People grew to rely on that strength and when I felt that strength waning I thought of all the bullshit I've endured and doubled down knowing how it feels to be unguided. I will suffer the pain so that I may lighten the burden of others. I grit my teeth and push through every day with scars to remind me where I came from, where I'm going and how I'm getting there. I just recently became a fan and reading this post was pretty awesome, because though you recognize the pain, you pushed it aside and provided words of encouragement to lift the burden from readers and I have to say I have nothing but respect for you. You're an awesome dude and I hope you get the recognition you deserve. I know the praise of one fan isn't much but I hope when you're having a fucked up day you can read this along with the others and feel like we stand behind you, because we do.

    I had a dad, not biologically but he was a dad. The man was fucked up and had more problems than anyone could guess but he taught me a lot about life. I built upon that to become the man I am today, and shortly after he died of cancer, my biological father was dying from decades of heavy drinking. I was out busting my ass working two jobs putting myself through college and trying to support my disabled mother. She went to visit our hometown (lost everything to Hurricane Katrina) and gave me a call to let me know he was on his deathbed. He was calling out for me, wanted to see me to rectify his issues before he died. I told her tell him what you want to, as long as it makes you happy, but the truth of the matter is he wasn't around for me and I sure as fuck ain't gonna put my bullshit aside for him to pass peacefully. I hung up and went back to work. It may be evil but I get a chuckle knowing I was able to pay him back in kind. The pain can last a lifetime but that's because it's part of us. It contributed to who we are. It reminds us of how we should treat others and how delicate the human psyche is. Dare I say that if it weren't for abandonment, or the mistreatment by the replacement then I wouldn't be the person I am today. I would rather die than become the one that hurts people out of ignorance or apathy. The problem with me is: I can't let it go. It's part of me and as much as I hate it, it made me strong. People grew to rely on that strength and when I felt that strength waning I thought of all the bullshit I've endured and doubled down knowing how it feels to be unguided. I will suffer the pain so that I may lighten the burden of others. I grit my teeth and push through every day with scars to remind me where I came from, where I'm going and how I'm getting there.

    I just recently became a fan and reading this post was pretty awesome, because though you recognize the pain, you pushed it aside and provided words of encouragement to lift the burden from readers and I have to say I have nothing but respect for you. You're an awesome dude and I hope you get the recognition you deserve. I know the praise of one fan isn't much but I hope when you're having a fucked up day you can read this along with the others and feel like we stand behind you, because we do.

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